In search of sanity

6.28.11

2011-06-29T20:33:00.001-07:00

I decided to write tonight for a couple reasons...cause I've been meaning to and cause I'm real proud of myself.

I kinda made an impossible goal for myself: a half marathon in October. Originally I had maybe planned on going w Katie to Orlando. Well I'm not sure if that's gonna happen or not; so I created a backup plan. The Des Plaines half marathon 20 days after the Orlando one. Having an impossible goal has been a good motivator for me. No 290 lb woman has prob done one.

June 1st I joined a gym. The first true gym membership I've ever had. Was also the day i made one of my more stupid mistakes; I left my purse in my car (even tho I always preach to others not to) and my car was broken into and my purse stolen. Thankfully I had my wallet and my losses were minimal in comparison to what they could've been. But that experience taught me alot. Taught me that I still had growing up to do. Taught me that I can't trust others openly. Taught me that I'm proud of how I dealt with it. And yeah it may have sucked but I got thru it. PS I averaged a 20 min mile. Not too horrible for not exercising.

Today, I won't be a 290 lb woman doing a marathon, cause I've already lost over 8 lbs. Granted I've less than a month before my 30th bday, and I'll still be over 250, but I'm better off then where I was a month ago.

Two weeks ago, I began running in the pool as a way to increase resistance while easing muscles into the motions of running. I can't remember the last time I ran for any sort of distance. I was kinda afraid to get back on a treadmill but I did tonight. And I shaved off 4 mins off of 3 miles. Averaging less than a 19 min mile. And even more than that...(yes I realize I'm getting excited about the little things!?!?) I was able to walk NOT HOLDING ON. I haven't been able to do that consecutively for any true length of time.

So I go to bed a tired woman with tiny tears of joy slipping down my face. I'm so proud of myself. I hope to God that he gives me the strength to continue this trek.

4.4.11

2011-04-04T19:32:00.001-07:00

When I go back and read what I've written in the past, I feel sad for who I was. And proud of who I am. Granted I weigh about the same amount I did and I am still alone, my heart has never felt lighter and I do not have the depression that I once dealt with. I am grateful for all I've been given and pray for the courage to continue following my faith.

12.14.10

2010-12-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

I've purchased the Christmas Jar book and jar to give to the person I selected from the tree at church. I don't know if they will appreciate it, but part of me hopes they realize the deep symbolism of this book. That even when things are horrible and down and out, that it is at those times when you have to help your fellow man. To not allow ourselves to fall short of our catholic faith because we are caught up in our own needs and wants. I want to include a little note saying how important this is to me, but I don't know if its appropriate.

12.12.10

2010-12-12T19:30:00.001-08:00

Sooo cold. Just installed an app on my iPod so I can write more often. Maybe this will be good for me.

Christmas is right around the corner. I feel mostly prepared. I've gotten some gifts I'm excited about, like moms pandora bracelet and her laptop for her bday. But feel bad that I haven't gotten everything like I have in the past. I've spent soo much this year. I shouldn't have to purchase all of her stocking stuffers every year. Tim gets away with one shitty gift and mo always buys one really expensive underappreciated gift and I have to fill in the blanks. I love Mom and want her to have nice things. I wish she would be able to see her worth and spend her money on herself instead of another piece of furniture or nicknacks. But I'm not gonna tell her how to spend her money cause I don't want her input on how I spend mine.

12.7.10

2010-12-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

well it started as being introspective, but you were lost and i had no outlet. so an hour later, with a small phone keybord and large fingers i try to peck this out but my mind is mostly blank right now.

i read through my previous posts and im surprised at how much im the same but also how much ive changed.

Just the beginning...Day One

2008-08-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today I started Dr Motto's liquid diet. I am very hopeful that I will be able to lose alot of weight. It was not an easy first day. The drinks are okay, but by far are not great. I realize that I have an attachment to eating that goes much deeper than the taste. I actually miss it. I'd eat anything right now. Literally anything.

I am very afraid that I won't be able to do this. I really wanna eat and if I can't successfully complete day one...how will ever be able to do this for months. I want this badly. I want to be thin and happy and I'm afraid it will never happen.

I want to stop living in the excuse of my weight. This is why I am doing this. I want to be able to get out and LIVE. Live, and not be ashamed of who I am. Cause right now I am ashamed of who I am. I hate what I have become. I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life and I'm afraid to even try.

I've prayed to Mary to help me. I feel like she would hear my prayers. I think she will help me.

Today has been a very exhausting day for me. I am very weak and tired and have had a migraine headache all day long. Maria called and when I told her this, she told me that this was normal with such a drastic drop in calories. But that it was only short term.

I am proud that I walked for an hour and 15 mins today. I had hoped that it would've made me feel better and am disappointed that it hasn't.

I am worried about Sunday, Mom is celebrating b'days/Labor day and I don't want to eat. I already feel pressure from her. I am very saddened that she is not behind me. I don't know if it is just the money that I owe her that makes her disagree with me doing this. She said I should wait till I no longer have any financial obligations. I told her that will never happen. There will never be a time in my life, or hers, where there won't be one bill or another to be paid. It just won't happen. I wanted to stop the excuses and the BS and just do it. But I'm scared. How do I curb hunger that isn't there? When I'm eating out of boredom or habit...how do I not do this? I'm afraid of failure. I need to lose this weight for me.

Beginning weight: 274 lbs.
Goal:120 lbs.

December 20, 2007

2007-12-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Today qualifies as a very bad day! We just found out that RES went and sold 1/3 of themselves to alverno lab in indiana and provena. Which means that 40 percent of our work is going to go to alverno lab, which greatly decreases the need for us. The way in which we discovered this information was so disheartening. Aman, who just so happens to work at both alverno and res, found out when alverno lab anounced it last week. Today she began telling ppl the "great" news. Once it got out to the supervisors, they held a meeting, actually had to call Ali in (he's been off this week) so that they could discuss. After their meeting, each supervisor went into their departments and held a meeting to break the news to all the employees. So many ppl are so hurt. I am so angry. This was very poorly taken care of. And what is even more frustrating is how stupid this all is, aside from the potential for mass job loss. All of the steps that res has made toward becoming a core lab have just become a complete loss. All of the new instruments, and construction, and organization of the lab toward something so much than we have now. And the thought that they did this to dig themselves out one hole, makes me so sick, because i can already tell that this is not going to be a solution. Luthern hospital tried the same thing, and their core was only ten mins away. Alverno is over an hour away. How foolish. The TAT for all the tests that we have worked so hard to decrease, we are now going to lose the test all together....And the TAT will increase to atleast a day. In all likelihood, the micro and immuno departments will completely dissolve within the next 6 months, they are saying that the reference lab will be gone by march. This is so disheartening.

December 13, 2007

2007-12-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not having a good night tonight. I'm very lonely and the realitization that no one cares about me is becoming more and more evident every day. No one talks to me, texts me, calls me. I am very much alone and no one really gives a damn about me. I can easily imagine that they would not know I was gone for quite some time, nor would they miss me. It is incredibly hurtful to know that I mean so little to so few. That the impact that I have made on the ppl around me is so minimal.

I am so tired and so hurt and so disappointed...in others...in myself....

I started weight watchers again. I'm so tired of being miserable and doing nothin about it. I'm really trying this time. I've already lost some weight. I just gotta keep it up. Need to start getting out!

November 18, 2007

2007-11-18T16:40:00.000-08:00

Mike suggested that I start writing. Just to start expressing myself. To let some of these bottled up emotions go. I freaked out last night. big time. sobbing hysterically, hyperventilating, and massive migraine. all night long. i couldn't control myself. everything seemed so overwhelming.

i desperately wanted to talk with mike. just to talk. but i was such a mess that i didn't dare. i became paranoid...not paranoid like i think someone is out to get me...but like he doesn't like me, he's bored with me, he's tired of me, he doesn't care...etc...etc...etc...and my mind just started running with it. and so i told him good night. figured it was my best bet. almost went to text him or email him several times trying to explain what i'm going thru. but i didn't. just let things be.

howie was really down too. very lonely. and i got into it with him. he said he feels like he is being punished. i told him that is a cop out. that it is easier to blame someone rejecting him, or someone ignoring him as a punishment, rather than it being him. he didn't care for that too much. in fact, not at all. i called him, crying still, wanting to talk. thinking that if we both were hurting that we could share in our pain. but he didn't wanna talk. said he was watching football or something. so i said goodbye and hung up. got angry at him. said good night. have barely said ten words to him today. am irritated.

thankfully mike isn't completely freaked out by me, or atleast not yet. these hormones and mood swings are so bad lately. it scares me how bad it gets sometimes. i don't know if its the drugs, or not enough drugs, or the wrong drugs, or maybe its just my hormones...or maybe its just me. maybe i am crazy. maybe i'm bipolar. i don't know. and i don't even know where to begin.

ok i think i'm done talking for right now. my head is starting to spin and i don't want to delve into subjects too deep right now. just grazing the surface right now is plenty fine.

08.29.07

2007-08-29T12:49:00.000-07:00

today is not a good day...nother mini break down...spent almost two hours at lunch...went shopping...spent less than $40...got few pairs of pants...and two sweaters...unfortunately shopping was before the breakdown...so no relief there...everything is not where i want it to be now...want my life pulled together...assembled...i got pieces...all broken...all over...and i'm just trying to hold them all together while the glue dries...but the glue never dries fast enough and everything falls apart again.

another fight last night...cause mo "bought her computer". she has no idea how she disrupts things. there is absolutely no reason to make the scene that she did. does she honestly think that she can control every action we make. does she honestly think she should?!? she has such a sickened version of motherhood that it is pathetic. how she can stretch reality into her twisted little version of life is madness...complete madness. and how she can't see that is besides me.

she has such bitterness and resentment and it is sad...cause it is ruining her life...and ours...she has such disdain for me...and mo...over things that mean so little to us...and yet she creates huge ordeals...absolute ridiculousness! i only wish she could understand this. She does and says the things that are most hurtful to us with absolute disregard for our feelings of ourselves...or our feelings of her...we are no longer children...we know the difference between right and wrong...between what is acceptable behavior from a mother and what is not. we are not quite as naive as she wishes us to be...

and what is even worse...and more frightening still... is the level of dishonesty that is becoming a norm in the household...we feel we have to lie (be it by omission or not) to have a somewhat normal life...and normal being less massive fighting than there already is...every night i'm amazed to see what sets her off...be it a dinner not on the table for her...a pair of shoes left at the door...the garbage not taken out...the air conditioning on...her clothes not brought down...the floor not vacuumed...a paper or the mail lying around...and the extent of her blowup...phenonmenal...does she realize that if she put as much effort into loving us as she did hating us...we could have remarkable relationships...but instead she creates barriers so high that none of us attempt to break them...because who in their right mind breaks the dam that is holding all of the water in?

the only way i can imagine to fix this is to escape it. i don't want to cut myself off from my family...but she is so toxic...and i don't know any other options...the thought of never seeing papa is more than heartbreaking...he is the only man to date that makes me hold out with hope that there might be a man out there for me...i see true love and devotion when i see him...i see a man who loves his family and would do absolutely anything for them...he has taught me so much about what ppl are and how to work them....has taught me it is who you know and how you treat them...i only wish that i could be more like him...it would be a blessing...

08.08.07

2007-08-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today i did nothing at work today...literally nothing...well atleast nothing productive...for the company...tho i did get alot of chattin and foolin around done...if the girls knew what went on in their office when they're not around...i don't think they'd let me use it anymore, quite honestly.

Was feelin pretty good earlier...but now i'm gettin depressed again...don't know if its the crappy weather or cause lola's coming or what...but i'm lonely and need a hug...actually i need a hug, a drink, and a really great date. I'm tired of being alone. God forbid that i'm alone forever. I will be a miserable old cripple...or something like that....

Got lots on my mind...work (got so much to do...and just don't feel like doing anything at all), school (did i get in or didn't i), want to get a new car today (but need a paycheck first, and to actually look at a car). Need some guidence...and some strength...